“I’m concerned,” the ultrasound technician voiced to my husband and I. All of the excitement and joy we had built up within us was threatened by two words we did not expect to hear.

My husband and I had been married for a year and a half, trying to conceive for the same amount of time. We had been dreaming together of a future with a growing family. We both have desired richly to bring life into this world, to nurture and love those children, and to help one another become better people and the best parents we could hope to become.

After a year and a half of trying to get pregnant and feeling disappointment after disappointment every time we saw a negative sign appear on a pregnancy test, you could only imagine the joy and elation we felt when we finally saw a positive instead. We were parents… finally! We were going to have a baby and were so very excited.

We waited three weeks after the positive pregnancy test until our first ultrasound and neither one of us imagined that there would be reason for concern. At the end of our appointment, the technician asked us to come back in a week for a second ultrasound with the doctor because the baby was not measuring as it should at almost eight weeks.

Instead of diving deep into fear and worry we decided we would thank Jesus for the gift of life and trust His plans, whatever they were. Still, we each prayed in belief that the concern expressed in our first ultrasound was false and that our little one was just fine. We prayed with belief and we prayed with trust.

Sometimes, though, things don’t turn out the way that you desire. Sometimes you don’t even get to know why. We went back for our second ultrasound ten days after the first one and were given the bad news that there was no heartbeat and a miscarriage was inevitable.

When my husband and I had walked in the doors of that hospital for our second ultrasound we both were confident that God would show us a healthy, thriving baby on the screen, and we believed that is what we’d see. God, however, had other plans – plans that were really difficult to accept.

We had gone from growing our family to mourning the loss of our baby in an instant. I didn’t want to accept the news, I wanted to control the outcome and I didn’t want the outcome to be our new reality, but there was nothing I could do to change it.

God had different plans in mind for us, plans that involve heartache and grief and loss. Even in the midst of all the sadness, we decided to accept His plans and carry ourselves forward in pursuit of those plans, whatever they may be. Even so, acceptance of God’s plans doesn’t always equate to understanding God’s plans, nor does acceptance of God’s plans equate to being comfortable with God’s plans. In fact, we wanted God’s plans to be different, but we had to ask ourselves if we were going to be mad at God or if we were going to accept His plans for us and trust Him.

After all God did say,

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. When you call me, and come and pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me and I will change your lot…”
-Jeremiah 29:11-14

If we believe Jesus, then we have to trust in His promises, do we not? Father Joe McMahon once said, “Either Jesus lied or we’re not trusting Him.” Jesus desires our trust. He desires our belief. He desires our faith.

So every time I feel wrecked by the emptiness and loneliness that miscarriage brings about, I turn back to the words of Jeremiah 29:11-14. Each time I ache because we won’t get to hold our baby in our arms here on earth, I turn back to those words.

Do I think Jesus is a liar or is it possible that I do not trust Him enough in the midst of my pain? Do I think Jesus is a liar or is it possible that I have pushed myself away from Him because of my pain?

What about you? Do you trust in the One that spoke you into existence? Do you trust in the story that God has written for your life? Do you trust where He is leading you? Do you trust Him in the midst of your pain?

No matter what your hurts and sorrows are, now is the time to take those hurts and sorrows to the foot of the cross, to leave them there for your Creator to handle and heal. In the midst of the hurt and uncertainty is exactly when to place all of your trust in the Lord, no matter how difficult or painful that may seem.

Ask yourself, do you believe that Jesus lied? Do you believe He does NOT have a future of good welfare and hope designed just for you? Or is it possible that you just aren’t trusting Him enough?

Grow your trust in the Lord. Give Him your pain and your sorrow so He can make you new again and show you to your future. Allow yourself to be small so that He can show you just how big He is.