My heart has been all over the place today. This morning, I left those I love the most (my family) and made the 400 mile drive back to Nashville. A holiday weekend filled with the love of family is just what I needed, but it also stirred a multitude of emotions within my heart, as it typically does. I love my family, but I also love Nashville and I love my life and my friends in Nashville. I believe God has me in Nashville for a reason, it feels right and through prayer I feel confidence in where my life happens to be, geographically speaking. In Nashville, I’m not “little sister” – I fit a different role there. I get to be, just Jackie. The freedom to be just Jackie has given me the opportunity to become more fully myself and to discover who “me” is. I’m working on peeling back the layers of my heart to continue to reveal exactly who I am in the depths of my heart.

I had the chance to do a lot of reflecting this weekend. I usually find myself sitting back and taking in what is happening around me at family parties rather than being in the middle of the action. Like I said, I fit a different role in Ohio with family than I do in Nashville. It often seems quite the opposite for me in Nashville, where I throw myself in the midst of whatever is happening around me – probably to a fault.

My drive was filled with reflection, pondering, wondering, tears, and a storm of other emotions about the state of my life and how it relates to God’s plan for me. Because of this tsunami in my heart, I stopped at church before ending at home. I wanted to spend some time with Jesus, to lay it all down at His feet (probably more like throw it down, actually), to work through it, and to calm my heart. As I sat there in prayer, I began to flip through the pages of my journal from earlier this year. Sometimes it helps to go back and read where your heart has been in order to understand more fully where your heart is now. As I read the entry from my 31st birthday – July 29, 2014 – I felt a need to share it here. I’m not entirely certain why, but it’s haunting me so here’s my attempt at obedience to that haunting notion. I hope these words needed to be heard by someone.

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Tuesday, July 29, 2014 at 8:00AM

It’s my birthday – 31st birthday. As I sit in Church after Mass this morning I reflect on how much my life has changed in the last 4-5 years. I am in awe of God’s constant pursuit of me, His gentle guidance, that He’s never given up on me, although I likely deserve that He would.

I know many people fear getting older, but I enjoy life more with more years under my belt. I like the person God is shaping me into much more than the person I was yesterday, last week, and years ago. Age is one of life’s gifts. We begin to see the things that matter and those that don’t. It becomes more important to focus on people than stuff and whatever material things we might desire.

But what I’m most grateful for as I age is how much more I’ve been able to get to know Jesus. What is funny about that is the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know very much and you have so much more to learn.

Jesus, as tough as these past few years have felt (particularly this past one) I am grateful for it all. Without the pain, I wouldn’t realize the depth of my need for You and my utter dependence on You. I want to know You. Yes, I want to know YOU.

Lord, grasp my heart that I might always seek you and draw closer to You.

Lord, I pray in this upcoming year that I might learn to surrender in a way I never thought possible. I desire Your plan for me – although I’m admittedly terrified of the possibilities of Your plan in some ways.

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Allow me to unpack some of what I had written…

I am in awe of God’s constant pursuit of me, His gentle guidance, that He’s never given up on me, although I likely deserve that He would.

I know that I fail a lot. I know that I’ve been a sucky human being a lot. I know that I don’t deserve God’s relentlessness. That said, I’m so grateful He is, indeed, relentless. I truly am in awe of His ability to look past all my wretched flaws and failures and continue to love me, even more than my human mind can comprehend. Aren’t we lucky God pursues each of us in this way and loves each of us in this way?

I like the person God is shaping me into much more than the person I was yesterday, last week, and years ago.

Please do not misinterpret this. I know without a doubt that I am by no means perfect or close to it. But God IS constantly shaping us and I’d be remiss if I did not acknowledge how much He has been molding me, minute by minute. This transformation might not seem very impressive to the average person, but yet I am filled with gratitude that He chooses to pick up His clay (me) and be the potter. I am humbled by God’s heart on fire for each one of us, to mold us, and shape us according to how much we are able to handle. He is a patient God and I sure am a project that will take a lifetime to shape into anything close to worthy for entry into to Heaven.

Age is one of life’s gifts. We begin to see the things that matter and those that don’t. It becomes more important to focus on people than stuff and whatever material things we might desire.

Many people don’t see age as a gift. I’d say quite the contrary for many, actually. So many people dread adding another year to their life. I believe that dread comes from a place of fear. Have I done enough? Accomplished enough? Gathered enough status? Can I measure up? You may ask yourself some of these questions. I choose to see it differently though. With age, we are often called to the realization of what really matters in life – people not things. Material things are not lasting. Let go of the material things that hinder you from loving people better.

But what I’m most grateful for as I age is how much more I’ve been able to get to know Jesus. What is funny about that is the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know very much and you have so much more to learn.

Please do not misinterpret this either. My relationship is just a grain of sand on the beach, if the entire beach represents how deeply we might be able to know Jesus. I’m humbled that He even entertains the thought of getting to know me. How unworthy am I? But it’s true, the more you get to know Jesus, the more you realize you don’t know much about Him. Any relationship demands time spent getting to know one another. You can’t know Jesus without spending time with Him. He’ll draw you in and expose Himself little by little if you allow Him. He’s fascinating and magnificent and the only One who satisfies.

Without the pain, I wouldn’t realize the depth of my need for You and my utter dependence on You.

Ok, so perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic when I talk about my pain and suffering, because, let’s be honest, I haven’t had any major sufferings this year or in my lifetime, but each person does experience pain and suffering to which they are suited and capable of handling at a given point in time. No matter the pain and no matter the suffering, it reminds us of how little control we have and the reality of our deep dependence on God. May the Lord continue to make us all aware of just how much we need Him, regardless of how painful the suffering may be.

Lord, grasp my heart that I might always seek you and draw closer to You.

I am not capable to do what You, Lord, are able to do. My human ways constantly create obstacles between my heart and Yours. Because of my foolish ways, please always grasp my heart and keep me close to You. Never let me out of Your sight.

Lord, I pray in this upcoming year that I might learn to surrender in a way I never thought possible. I desire Your plan for me – although I’m admittedly terrified of the possibilities of Your plan in some ways.

Surrender. It’s a daily battle to learn to surrender, but the biggest struggle with surrender is that we must cooperate with the unknown. We must hand ourselves over to unseen possibilities. Yes, I admit it, it’s terrifying. The knowledge is there – I know that surrender to God’s will for me is the only path for true and lasting happiness; however, my humanity keeps me playing tug-of-war with God as I attempt to keep bits and pieces of control. Teach us all to surrender, Lord. Your plan is the only plan that matters.

Thank You for never giving up on us, Lord. Thank You for the gift of life. Thank You for your relentless pursuit of all of us, your willingness to change us, and your unfailing love and mercy. Teach us, to be more like You.